Yanks/Sox: It's Like Christmas with Sprinkles

With the announcement that Jon Rauch would be replacing Joe Nathan as the Twins' closer, the Darling Asteroids sprang into action, dropping Jeff Niemann and snagging our fifth mediocre closer moments before Opening Day. I'm sure his career 3.79 ERA won't be an issue as he's throwing Minnesota's most important innings of the season. This is going to be awesome.

Our Week 1 opponent is a team called The Space Turtles, managed by my buddy Dennis. Dennis is a total sweetheart but a complete idiot. Him and I have a lot in common. He once asked me, with a super serious face, "Hey Jake, Randy Johnson was right-handed, right?" If real world smarts mattered in fantasy, this would be a beat down.

Unfortunately for me, the Space Turtles have assembled quite the offense. Everyone's favorite Subway pitchman Ryan Howard leads the way, followed by Matt "Let's Pretend My Half Season in the AL Never Happened" Holliday, Red Sox catcher Victor Martinez and Washington 3B Ryan Zimmerman. Holy schnikes.

His pitching staff is so-so, highlighted by Adam Wainwright, Clayton Kershaw and Jonathan Papelbon. Fortunately, the Darling Asteroids still have this guy...

Get Some.
Game over.

In real world news, today we celebrate a resurrection whose mere existence has worldwide implications from here to Jerusalem. Admit it, your life has been a chasm of sadness without the Yankees and Red Sox waging their epic, four and a half hour battles 18 times a season. This is a rivalry that goes beyond simple hatred, beyond two self-important fan bases and bloated media markets jockeying for global supremacy. Trust me...Curtis Granderson and Hideki Okajima loathe each other.

It's the unstoppable force versus the immovable object. It's Hulk Hogan versus the Ultimate Warrior, only with less steroids (but just barely). It's Team Edward versus Team Jacob.

On one hand we have Boston and Fenway Park, which sports a giant banner proclaiming it "America's Most Beloved Ballpark." That study was conducted by randomly surveying 1,000 patrons as they exited Fenway Park. The results were staggering. It's also the most fakakta ballpark in the majors with the Green Monster in left, an oddly-shaped triangle in center and JD Drew inexplicably still playing in right. How this place keeps its mystique is beyond me. I once built a hockey net out of wood. The sides were uneven and it was ugly as all hell. No one called it charming.

Well played, Fenway.

The Red Sox also had their fans elect a pretend president for their fictitious country. Good thing they aren't full of themselves. Could you imagine?

And on the other hand we have the reigning champions of baseball, the New York Yankees. Being a Yankee has got to be tough. After all, no one roots for Goliath except for Goliath's mother. And the pressure, my god, the pressure. With so many people asking him so many questions hours before a baseball game, how can Brett Gardner concentrate? And then he has to answer more questions after the game? Real doozies too, like, "How important is Alex Rodriguez to the offense?" and "Tell us about that last at-bat." I don't know how you do it, Brett.

I always appreciate when media presence is offered as an excuse for failure. If I asked you how you planned on getting to the mall, and then on the way you got in a fender bender, how many juries would convict me?

Still, at least it's baseball. Honest to goodness actual baseball. In tonight's struggle between the Haves and the Haves, the real winner is us. The air is cool, the birds are chirping and Nick Swisher is back in our lives. Welcome back, boys. You were (sort of) missed.

Go Team Jacob!