Workin' on a Dream

A few Thursdays ago I went to trivia night at a local bar. Before we started I said to my teammates, "Hey guys, what are your areas of expertise? Mine are baseball, professional wrestling and New Jersey." This, I would realize two hours later, is what they refer to in the literary community as foreshadowing. Or perhaps it was irony? Or even worse...ironic foreshadowing.

Oh, dear.

Fast-forward to the final round. We're tied for first. The drama builds. The emcee asks the question, and it's about Mr. Bruce Springsteen, only the favorite son of my home state. This should be easy. I'm going to get this question super right and be a hero. Everyone's going to love me. What a great night.

Nope.

Here's the moral of the story: I'm a choke artist. And in the same way pet owners start to resemble their pets, I fear the Darling Asteroids are beginning to mimic their GM's crunch time failings.

"I'm not mad, Jacob, I'm just disappointed."
The Asteroids were nursing a comfortable 8-4 lead over Joba Rules heading into the weekend. They were nursing a slightly-less-comfortable-but-we-still-shouldn't-blow-it 7-5 lead heading into Sunday. So what happened? In no particular order:

(1) Kevin Millwood notches nine strikeouts for Joba Rules on Friday night. Kevin Millwood is still alive?! I know, I was as surprised as you.

(2) Tim Lincecum goes all Tim Lincecum on the Dodgers, striking out seven and earning the win. He's now 3-0 with a .90 ERA. He also went 3-for-4 with 3 RBIs in that game. Those stats don't count for pitchers, but still. Felt like salt in the fantasy wound. I hate you, Tim Lincecum.

(3) Julio Borbon lives up to his name, going 0-for-7 for the weekend before being benched Sunday and looking like he's swigging Grandpa's cough medicine before every game. He's hitting .083 with as many homeruns as you and me combined. You're the best, Julio. Don't ever change.

(4) Matt Kemp and Evan Longoria continue to be perfect in every way, but even they can't offset the pure sucktitude of Melky Cabrera. Who would have ever thought a guy who spent his whole career as a Yankee with a great Latino fanbase would have trouble adapting to playing in the deep South of Georgia all by himself? He's hitting .119 and looks terrified every night.

In conclusion, the Darling Asteroids and Joba Rules tied 6-6. That's right, two straight ties to open the season. It's a wonderful feeling to know that the Asteroids are exactly as good and as bad as every other team out there. Mediocrity is our motto. Being average is our badge of honor.

But there is some hope on the horizon. Alexei Ramirez, no doubt inspired by a certain blogger's kind words, has six hits in his last four games. The Cuban Missile is ready to launch!

(See what I did there? When I made that play on words with Ramirez's nickname and "launch"? Did you catch it? Ok, just checking)

Also, this guy still exists...

Does this joke ever get old? I say no.
Perhaps in the future the Asteroids might even win a series. Maybe 7-5, maybe even 8-4. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. This week we do battle with Alex Sheppard and the NCSU Sluggers, currently in tenth place and starring Curtis Granderson, Chipper Jones and Joakim Soria. Alex wasn't there for the draft, which explains why he also has Martin Prado and Nick Swisher.

There's a darkness on the edge of town, and the Asteroids have been hiding on the backstreets. Spent the whole season waiting for a moment that just don't come. But no more, Asteroids! Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. Tramps like us, babies we were born to run. Here come the glory days. After all, we were born in the USA.

Except for Melky Cabrera. He ruins everything.