I understand that baseball is a game of trends. First it was "Moneyball," the genius strategy of Oakland GM Billy Beane which focused on defense and on-base percentage. This revolutionary gameplan brought the Athletics years of prosperity and only stands to reap future benefits for the club.
In Beane's twelve year tenure, Oakland has been to exactly one ALCS (and lost), they are dangerously close to moving the team to Freemont, and Mark Mulder's career collapsed on itself like a vacuous black hole.
The next great trend was steroids. Whoops...disregard. That never happened.
And now? Teams all over the league have entirely too many starting pitchers and are forced to sort it out over the course of the season. I see what you did there, Major League Baseball.
You stole my idea.
Consider: The Cubs move their ace Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen to make room for Ted Lilly, who's returning from the DL. Days later, the Milwaukee Brewers announce that Jeff "Junkball" Suppan, a former NLCS MVP, is also being removed from the rotation.
Boston is likely shifting veteran knuckleballer Tim Wakefield to the 'pen to make room for a returning Dice-K, and the Phillies' cup runneth over with JA Happ, Joe Blanton, Jamie Moyer and Kyle Kendrick all clamoring to fetch Roy Halladay some coffee.
This is getting out of hand, baseball. Did you think I wouldn't find out? Or did you think I would just sit back and take it? I'm the same guy who once had a snack stolen from him by his little sister, so I got really, really mad and totally told on her.
You have no idea who you're messing with, Mr. Selig.
Lucky for you, Bud, I love the game about as much as I love anything, so I'm willing to negotiate. This latest strategical revolution will be called Uphamball, and it will be glorious. Teams who employ this strategy will be "pulling an Upham." I've always wanted to be a verb. In exchange for leasing my idea to you, baseball, I make the following demands:
(1) I want a Constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf, the designated hitter and Kevin Youkilis.
(2) I want a kitten. It must be all black and named Sprinkles. If it's not the cutest widdle kitty ever ever, I will destroy it.
(3) I want Chad Billingsley to pitch next year on April 19th, and before the game he will sing me "Happy Birthday" from the pitcher's mound. This is non-negotiable.
(4) I want Jay Mariotti to shut the hell up. Also non-negotiable.
Those are my demands. Failure to meet them will result in a cease and desist order being filed on my behalf, legally barring any starting pitcher from being moved to the bullpen, or vice versa.
Joba Chamberlain, your career hangs in the balance.
I will also shut down this blog, making it impossible for future GMs to steal my ideas and forcing my mother to find something else to do while at work. If you're reading this, Brian Cashman---and I know you are---make the right call.
While we await baseball's decision, we look to the future. The Darling Asteroids defeated NCSU Sluggers 10-2 last week, but there is no time to celebrate. Antarctic Arsenal and their pesky little GM Monty Bennett await. The Arsenal got an old-school beatdown from Joba Rules last week, losing 11-1 and falling to 11th place. This is going to be easy.
Things are looking up for the Asteroids. We're currently in third place and riding a one week winning streak, Monty sucks, and I'm about to have a new kitten.
Isn't that right, Mr. Selig? I'd hate for the blood of poor little Sprinkles to be on your hands.
Do the right thing, Bud. I want that kitty.
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