Jackson smirks. "This farmer fella is joking, right?" he appears to be thinking. He smacks Kinsella's curveball right back up the middle, knocking our humbled hayseed on his backside.
So, Ray Kinsella can't strike out Shoeless Joe Jackson. But which baseball movie pitcher could? Would Henry Rowengartner blow three straight fastballs by him? How would Nuke LaLoosh fare against Roy Hobbs? Could Dottie Hinson, the catcher from A League of Their Own, gun down Willie Mays Hayes trying to steal second?
You’re clearly searching for some answers. To help, here’s a Starting Nine of the best baseball movie players of all time. You're welcome.
Left Field: Scotty Smalls, The Sandlot: Offensively, this kid saw one pitch from Heaters and knocked it clear into Old Man James Earl Jones' yard. Defensively, who cares? After every error you get to yell, "You're killin' me, Smalls!" Talk about a good time. Sadly, little Scotty's career never got off the ground and he retired into the broadcast booth. Grab some smores, kid. Everything will be ok.
Center Field: Willie Mays Hayes, Major League: Everything you would want in a centerfielder—great speed, a cocky swagger, and an earth-shatteringly awesome nickname, "Black Hammer."
Look at these credentials for a borderline Hall of Famer: 4x All-Star, 8x Gold Glove winner, World Series champion, Web Gem Machine. Not bad, right? Now add the sweet nickname...boom! We've got a first ballot entrant on our hands.
A real missed opportunity for Jim "Black Hammer" Edmonds.
Right Field: Roy Hobbs, The Natural: Can I tell you a secret? I've never seen The Natural beginning to end. Whoops. But I know Roy Hobbs had a magical bat named Wonderboy, which is the same thing all my ex-girlfriends called me.
Half of that last sentence was a complete lie. Try to guess which half.
Regardless of his age, he can knock the heck out of the ball. He's got some old legs in right field, but if Tony Gwynn can handle it, anyone can. He unfortunately lost the prime of his career after a crazed female fan shot him. The moral, of course, is that women ruin everything.
3B: Roger Dorn, Major League: Boy, oh boy, are the pickings slim for infielders. So we're stuck with a pretty boy third baseman that plays lousy defense, contributes little offensively and has an unmovable contract. Sound familiar?
SS: The nameless Mets shortstop from Rookie of the Year: And you thought third base was bad. But go ahead and think of a better movie shortstop. I dare you.
Judging from that one diving stab he makes to end the Cubs' 8th inning, this gentleman clearly plays excellent defense, which is exactly what you want up the middle. He'll make a great double-play tandem with...
2B: Marla Hooch, A League of Their Own: Poor Marla got beat with the ugly stick but eventually finds true love, which should be a boost of confidence to all homely baseball players out there. (Chin up, Julian Tavarez!) She also has prodigious power for a second basewoman. What a hitter. She was basically Chase Utley before Chase Utley was Chase Utley. But who would you rather take home to Mom and Dad?
I thought so.
1B: Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez, The Sandlot: I thought about selecting Albert Pujols for this spot because that man is just not real. In the end, it was the PF Flyers that put Benny over the top.
Catcher: Crash Davis, Bull Durham: A very tough call, since Dottie Hinson of the Rockford Peaches calls a great game and looks better in a skirt (although it's closer than you think). But Crash has everything you want in a catcher: He can handle a pitching staff, is a threat offensively and makes great speeches. Crash is a veteran leader who loves the game and who the rest of the clubhouse will respect. In short, he’s your team captain.
Starting pitcher: Steve Nebraska, The Scout: A starting rotation of Nebraska, Rowengartner, Heaters, LaLoosh and Charlie Brown is downright terrifying, even if it's completely right-handed. Screw you, stat nerds. This team is awesome.
But the battle for the Opening Day start came down to Nebraska and Rowengartner. Nebraska hits 100 MPH every time and is also an incredible hitter, a bonus since this pretend baseball team plays in the National League, the home of real, pure baseball as God intended, which is superior in every way to the American League except when it comes to actually playing baseball.
Sorry, Henry. We just can't take Steve's bat out of this lineup. You're also coming off shoulder surgery, which is always dicey. Plus I'm a little worried you'll lose focus once you hit puberty and discover your body.
Closer: Ricky Vaughn, Major League: A 100+ MPH fastball and killer entrance music. Done and done.
Manager: Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own: He swears. He drinks. He smokes. He swears some more. He screams at his players.
You're the best, Jim Leyland. Don't ever change.
2 comments:
1) we should watch the sandlot.
2) "The moral, of course, is that women ruin everything." I'm going to stab you.
3) all this time you've been trying to get me interested in baseball...why didn't you just show me a picture of chase utley?
4) i've never seen bull durham but kind of want to
5) :D. you're welcome.
"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a penis with a little hat on?
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