For the last eight days, the Asteroids and the Space Turtles have elegantly danced around the diamond. Sometimes I would lead. We would slowly glide, each curveball carefully selected, each hit-and-run expertly executed.
I am a perfect gentleman.
Other times, the Space Turtles GM Dennis would lead. Home runs and strikeouts would come in bunches, aggressively jockeying for position, double plays and takeout slides blurring together in a mad dash to the finish line. The Space Turtles like it rough.
The steals, saves and RBIs accumulated. Hitters were caught looking. Sliders hung in the air like Eskimo kisses and were socked into orbit. When the smoke cleared after the St. Louis-Milwaukee game on Sunday night, one of us would earn a crucial win to start the season, while the other would be defeated, embarrassed and in need of a hot shower to wash off the stink of failure.
We tied.
Sonofagun! Tied 6-6 to start the season. This won't do. As commissioner of our league, I'm introducing tie-breaker categories for situations such as this. Five categories, each one analyzing the underlying stats and stories, the real nitty-gritty stuff, to help us determine who really emerged victorious in Week 1.
LOOKS: People tell me Dennis looks a bit like Phillies CF Shane Victorino. I bear a striking resemblance to Samwise Gamgee, the hobbit from Lord of the Rings. Check and mate.
Advantage: Dennis (Space Turtles lead 1-0)
PERSONALITY: Mom says I've got this in spades, and that one day girls will realize it's more important than bearing a striking resemblance to Samwise Gamgee, the goddamn hobbit from Lord of the Rings. And yet, I've never heard her compliment Dennis' personality. You're the best, Mom. Don't ever change.
Advantage: Jacob (Tied 1-1)
BRAINS: Dennis, it has been noted, once firmly believed Randy Johnson was right-handed. Similarly, I once put a staple through my thumb just to see if I could do it. I'd say this is a push.
Advantage: Neither (Still tied 1-1)
HAIR: Jackpot.
Advantage: Jacob (Darling Asteroids lead 2-1)
HEIGHT: Medium height at best, my hobbit-like stature is no match for Dennis and his gangliness. Homeboy is like a spider monkey.
Advantage: Dennis (Tied 2-2)
Still tied?! If this were MVP voting, the writers would be thinking, "Well, their stats are close, they play the same position and are both crazy important to their clubs...screw it, whose team was better?"
Because that's how these things should be handled: Break down individual performances until your eyes bleed, then hand out the trophy based on team success. This is in no way arbitrary and I see no problems with it whatsoever. Following that pattern, we will decide our Week 1 winner in an utterly random manner.
HAVING THE MOST 'Ls' IN YOUR LAST NAME: Oh, fiddlesticks! You win this round, Dellaquilla.
Advantage: Dennis (Space Turtles win, 3-2)
The Darling Asteroids fought hard but were just no match for the Space Turtles' looks, height and laughably Italian surname. Luckily, we live to play another day.
This week we do battle with Joba Rules, who went 10-1-1 last week and skyrocketed to the top of the league. GM Justin Yates is a big Yankees fan and fellow pitching aficionado, whose team features Alex Rodriguez, Tim Lincecum and Zack Greinke.
Put your dancing shoes on, Yates. You may think the Asteroids are sulking after their crushing defeat...but nay! We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. We head into this week with a fire in our bellies burning brighter than Mordor itself.
You shall not pass.
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