How are we going to blow this one?
After all, the NCSU Sluggers team stars Stephen Drew, Ryan Ludwick and Javier “Dead Man Walking” Vazquez. Logic would dictate that coughing up a three point lead in three days to these clowns is extremely hard, even for experienced losers like the Darlings.
We are clearly headed for another 6-6 tie or worse. But how? How could a team as lovable and huggable as this be defeated by the likes of Nick Swisher?
A few theories:
(1) With his team down 4-3 in the ninth and the tying run on second, Hanley Ramirez bursts into flames.
(2) Partying hard on Friday night, Derrek Lee, Bobby Abreu and Jason Kubel fall into a hot tub time machine and wake up in 2005. Lee hits 46 homers, Abreu steals 31 bases and Kubel alters time so that Vladimir Guerrero is never born.
(3) In a bold move, the Mariners move their Opening Day starter and ace Felix Hernandez to the bullpen. This is completely farfetched, I know. Who would do such a thing?
Nevermind.
The Asteroids made some moves this week in an attempt to shake things up. In our first trade of the year, White Sox closer Bobby Jenks was swapped for White Sox right fielder Carlos Quentin. Hopefully Mr. Quentin can inject a little life into our offense. When trying to break out of a slump, there’s nothing like some new Sox.
I’m so clever it hurts sometimes.
But fear not, fans of mediocre closers. Chad Qualls recently appeared on the waiver wire and we’re doing our best to snatch him up. Doing so would mean dropping Nolan Reimold, who has been a major disappointment thus far. This, I admit, I should have seen coming. First off, he’s a Baltimore Oriole. Secondly, he sounds like the worst Nazi ever.
Auf wiedersehen, Nolan.
A pair of exciting developments could signal a turn of fortunes for the Darlings. Julio Borbón has sprung to life, hitting .375 for the week and swiping a pair of bases. He now owns the most beautiful .146 batting average in all of baseball.
Also, Cubs lefty Ted Lilly is set to make his season debut against Milwaukee on Saturday. Whenever your fate rests in the hands of a man named after a flower, you have to like your chances.
With an offense that is showing signs of life and some shake-ups in the pitching staff, a victory is ripe for the taking. Come on, fellas. We have to win this week. Not just for us…but for all of humanity.
You see, boys, the NCSU Sluggers were autodrafted. Not lovingly selected by a sweet, charming, affable GM like myself (and don't forget humble). Oh, no, the Sluggers were robotically chosen by an emotionless machine, nothing more than crunched numbers and electrical wires.
They do not think. They do not feel. They only wish to destroy.
In the future, men will do battle with machines for control of the planet. Let’s stop pretending this won’t happen. The only question is, when does it start?
I’ll tell you when it starts. When a ragtag group of millionaires rises up against them, that’s when.
When Placido Polanco and Jon Rauch stand defiantly, brothers in arms, and declare to our would-be robot overlords, “You may take our lives, you may take our liberty, but you will never take Week 3 of the 2010 John Rocker Invitational.”
God speed, and good luck.
2 comments:
I was there for the first hour, so my team is only like 33% robots. Besides, the only machine in the league is Albert Pujols.
What does any of that even mean???
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