Mock You Like a Hurricane

Fantasy baseball is the best thing ever invented, narrowly edging out tickle fights. And while both are fun activities you can do with friends, only one will get you kicked out of Arby's.

But what sets fantasy baseball apart is how it embraces---rewards, even---one's obsessive nature.

Every day, set your roster. Every night, check your progress. Every lunch break, try to trade Rich Harden and hope no one realizes he's on the DL (again).

The preseason is even worse. Lists upon lists, rankings upon rankings from countless publications. Make sure you know who's over the hill and who's under the radar.

Know when to buy low (like with Jorge Cantu) and, just as important, know when to sell high (again, Jorge Cantu).

Take into account the players that are on new teams, have switched leagues, are recovering from surgery or play for the Mets.

Once again, I spent way too much time on fantasy prep work...not even absorbing the information, really. Just staring blankly at my computer screen, flipping through the Internet like a digital yearbook.

"Hello, Bill Hall, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Hey there, Shin-Soo Choo. How was your Christmas?"

That's what I do when something piques my interest: I devour it, obsess over it, OD on its very life force until I can't take it anymore. It happened with Pokemon. It happened with Lady Gaga. It's happening right now with How I Met Your Mother.

But fantasy baseball takes this lunacy to a whole other level.

Check it: Not only can you draft a fake team, but you can hold a draft to help you prepare for your draft.

Oh, snap! It just got all meta up in here. We're taking this to the next level, Inception-style.

But we're replacing Joseph Gordon-Levitt with Tim Lincecum, eliminating Ellen Page entirely (peace, Juno), and Leonardo DiCaprio...well, Leo can stay.

Man, I have the weirdest boner.

Mock drafts are an excellent tool that all GMs should take advantage of. They give you an idea of what other fantasy players are thinking, and you can adjust your strategy accordingly.

You wouldn't buy a car without checking under the hood, right?

You wouldn't buy a house without doing your research, right?

You wouldn't ask a girl out before stalking her Facebook page, noting which friends are prettier than her and subtly mentioning them in future conversations, making her self-conscious because obviously Amy is just Little Miss Perfect and everybody loves her, until finally the girl's self-esteem plummets so far into the depths of Hell that she'd never have the will power to leave you, right?

Right.

My previous draft strategy has been simple: Pick three position players first, then an elite starting pitcher, then ask, "Is Joe Mauer still available? No? What about CC Sabathia? Him too? Damn. Skip me."

This year will be different. After long nights, tireless research and more crying than I care to admit, I've developed the perfect two-pronged draft strategy.

Step 1: Don't draft any closers in the first ten rounds.
Step 2: Don't draft Adrian Gonzalez at all.

As far as closers go, the only sure thing in this world is Mo Rivera. If you can't snag him, just wait.

The David Aardsmas and Kevin Greggs of the world will be available later...and even if they aren't, at least three previously unknown gentlemen will probably end up with 30 saves somewhere.

Just camp out on the waiver wire and thank me later.

And regarding Adrian, I'm sure playing for the best team in America's most beloved ballpark in front of the greatest fans in the world will more than cancel out the absurdly obvious fact that the AL East is waaay better than the NL West.

But last year I wrote that he'll be "hitting .240 for some American League contender next season." So have the time of your life, Adrian. Just not on my team.

I'm like Charlton Heston dipped in honey...I stick to my guns.

See what I did there? That's what you can expect from Warning Track Power this year: In-depth analysis, elaborate comparisons and jokes that are funny for at least four reasons.

Try to keep up.


Unlike previous drafts, I took four straight position players to start, followed by three straight starters (Verlander, Latos, Gallardo). I even managed to pick up Rangers SS Elvis Andrus, who I really like this season.

Things were going swell until the ninth round when some no-good, dirty, two-bit sonofagun drafted Chad Billingsley one pick before me.

See? This is why we do mock drafts. Lesson learned: Just to be super sure, draft Chad Billingsley first overall.

But everyone gets a superstar or two with their first few picks. The real value is found in the later rounds.

I scooped up almost 100 RBIs in round 16 (David Ortiz), 60 steals one round later (Juan Pierre), and Justin Smoak, the highly-touted Mariners 1B in round 22.

Smoak was a hit-machine for Texas before being sent to Seattle in the Cliff Lee deal. If he can rake even close to his potential, he'll pay off in two ways.

First, great production from late picks is how you win. But second and more importantly, I'd be making Smoak/smoke-based puns for the next six months. Those would never get old.

And if he doesn't deliver the goods? Big deal. Late-round picks are like redheads: They don't matter because their parents don't love them.

To recap my innovative, flawless, cherry-flavored winning fantasy strategy:

Chad first overall... lots of hitters...draft Jorge Cantu...a few pitchers...Chad again just to be sure...trade Jorge Cantu...something something tremendous upside...Juno was a terrible movie.

Gotta run. Amy's Facebook page won't stalk itself.