Just Let It Go

I used to be awesome.

For close to a three-year stretch beginning mid-2003 and screeching to a halt roughly around the time Arrested Development was canceled, I was unstoppable.

Unfortunately any and all photographic or video evidence from that time has been lost in the annals of history, and anyone I knew who could corroborate my story is long dead.

But it's true. You have to believe me.

I bring this up because yesterday, in a groggy haze fueled by waffle fries and pot, I began to daydream. And, as is usually the case when I daydream, my thoughts turned to one thing and one thing only:

Him?

John Lackey, much like myself, used to be the man.

He won Game 7 of the 2002 World Series as a rookie, and once got to live out the dream that many of us all share: beating the hell out of Jason Kendall.

He was also on my very first fantasy team in 2006 and rewarded me with 14 wins and almost 200 strikeouts.

He'd be back on The Fellowship the next season, racking up 19 wins and a 3.01 ERA, finishing third in Cy Young voting.

That's the beauty of fantasy baseball. This AL pitcher who I previously had no real connection to or interest in was suddenly one of my favorite players.

His success was my success. We had a bond. He was my boy.

And then, much like Friends circa the Ross-Rachel-Joey love triangle, things went south in a hurry.

Lackey's ERA ballooned up to 3.75 the next season, and 3.83 after that. I didn't even draft him that year. It was time to move on.

In 2009 he signed with the Red Sox...possibly to be on a contender, possibly for the change of scenery, possibly because he likes snow in April and public trains that shut down before most of us are good and drunk.

But I think I know why he really signed here. He was hoping to recapture the magic by moving to the city where I live.

The magic from when he felt alive, when he was king of the world, when winning championships and repeatedly ramming his fist in Jason Kendall's head was not just a dream but a beautiful, beautiful reality.

John Lackey just can't let go.

Well I'm sorry, old friend, but your ERA has risen each of the last three seasons and you play on a team I do not care for.

Not only that, but the memories of our former glory are still too fresh...the hurt is just too real.

For all these reasons--professional, personal and miscellaneous--I won't be drafting you this season, John. You're on the short list of players I just won't touch.

No touching!

That last sentence sounded kinda gross, but you get the idea: There are a few players out there that I want nothing to do with.

Maybe I don't trust them. Maybe I don't like the look on their smug little faces. But for whatever reason, these fellas have no place on my roster:

Ian Kinsler: Oh, don't get me wrong. Kinsler here is a fine player who can hit for some power, swipe some bags and has a boyish charm about him. But he's also going to miss about 40 games this season, just like he has the last five years.

He's good for a torrid May, and as the Rangers mop up the mediocre AL West we might even get a "Kinsler for MVP?" article or two. Then he'll pull a hammy, twist an ankle or look at Michael Young the wrong way.

No thanks, I'll pass.

J.D. Drew: You can take your insanely-consistent .280-20-65 season someplace else, Jonathan. You refused to play for the Phillies when they drafted you, you never smile and you bore me. I'm this close to whipping batteries at my screen just thinking about you.

Chad Billingsley: Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Denard Span: This isn't really his fault, but he's one of those players that puts up decent numbers...yet announcers just gush about him endlessly.

As if he's the only guy alive who works hard, or has heart, or does the little things. If there's one thing I hate, it's a player who's overrated.

If there's a second thing I hate, it's Minnesota.

And while he hit .300 his first two seasons, he put up a depressing .264 when I owned him last season.

Why would I put myself through this again? I'd have to be denarded.

"I've made a huge mistake."

Melky Cabrera: Because you're awful at baseball and nobody likes you.

Hanley Ramirez: Because last year I drafted you, Hanley, and you responded by lollygagging your way right out of my good graces.

Now I may not be the smartest fantasy GM around. I might occasionally forget to bench a player on his day off. I've made a bad trade or two in my day.

And I may or may not have a foot odor problem that should really be looked at by a professional.

But I have my pride, Hanley.

And your guaranteed .300-20-100 season with 100 runs and 30+ stolen bases isn't enough to...can't possibly make me want...I would never...

Oh, screw this.

We're trying to win here. Pride is overrated.

How denarded do you think I am?