Equal parts "Is this really happening?" and "This is truly incredible," a maddening blur of bright 90s clothes and awful Jesus rapping, I stared incredulously as I tried to pinpoint the previous source of this sensation.
An overwhelming amount of joy, mixed with a sense of disbelief, then topped off with more joy...why was this feeling so familiar?
And then it hit me.
In the hours leading up to the Cliff Lee signing last December, a series of texts and Internet rumors led me to ponder, "Is this really happening?"
And once it was confirmed Lee would be joining Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels and reigning Cy Young winner Roy Halladay, I couldn't believe it.
"This is truly incredible," I mumbled the next morning.
And the day after that. And the one after that, too.
Even if you don't like the Phillies, even if these five minutes were the highlight of Lauryn Hill's career, even if you think this analogy is a huge stretch (but admit it...you're impressed), the end result is the same:
This is really getting out of hand.
More like Mt. Strikeoutsmore, amirite?!PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: As is often the case in sports, I fear this season it will become acceptable--even expected--to hate on the team from the City of Brotherly Love.
Whenever a team gets too successful, a backlash is inevitable.
Fans just get sick of seeing the same faces and same matchups year after year, and begin to openly root for those winning teams to crash and burn.
Luckily, the Phils have been immune to this phenomena so far, mostly because Jimmy Rollins has a winning smile, the whole team plays hard and Roy Halladay is way better than you.
But repercussions are coming. I can feel it.
It's a shame, really. Rather than projecting their own feelings of inadequacy onto people whose only crime is being excellent at their jobs, haters should look inward.
They should be adults about the situation, take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves the tough questions, such as "Why do I do the things I do?" and more importantly, "Should I be nicer to Jacob?"
ATLANTA BRAVES: Another thing I'm worried about: Those pesky Braves.
When the Mets finally usurped them in 2006, ending their amazing streak of 11 straight division titles, I was hoping they'd go away for awhile and let the rest of us have some fun for once.
Nope.
Jason Heyward is a rising star, Tommy Hanson has "future ace" scrawled on his forehead, and Chipper Jones can't imagine a world where he isn't torturing me on a daily basis.
I know he's always hurt, but he knows that I know that.
And he knows how he routinely ruined every summer I had as a child. He just likes reminding me.
Damnit, Larry. Leave me alone! Don't you have anything better to do?
LoL, u mad bro?FLORIDA MARLINS: Hanley Ramirez has a new friend this season, and his name is Mike Stanton.
And since I don't want to bog you down with "stats" or "hyperbole" or "other words," let me just tell you that Mike Stanton is strong.
Really, really strong.
No, seriously, he's like...so strong, you guys.
Those two should give opponents more than a few headaches, and Josh Johnson is a dark horse Cy Young candidate.
But how will society respond to Chris Coglan and Emilio Bonifacio's interracial relationship?
(You know what? Scratch that. I got real life and Save the Last Dance mixed up again. Happens all the time)
NEW YORK METS: Spoiler alert: I hate the Mets.
But I don't hate them for the reasons you'd think (namely, that they're the Mets).
No, that's too easy.
I hate them because the Phils and the Mets should have waged war for the next decade, two stacked teams playing rivalry-fueled baseball with an intensity only reserved for hated enemies.
Regardless of who won, we should have witnessed tight division races for the last five seasons or so, with many more classics yet to be played out.
Jose Reyes. Carlos Beltran. David Wright. Carlos Delgado. Jason Bay. Johan Freaking Santana. Where did it all go wrong?
(Probably around the "Jason Bay" part, but that's not important right now)
Instead, it isn't even fun to ridicule them anymore. They're a mess. It's a joke.
It's gotten so bad that I legitimately feel sorry for David Wright sometimes.
Those bastards, how could you do this to me? You think I get excited when Nationals come to town? Seriously? Come on!
We should all be so angry.
WASHINGTON NATIONALS: Oh, hey Washington. I was just talking about you.
Jayson Werth got himself a ring with the Phils, and then decided to go and get his money.
No hard feelings, man. Thanks for 2008. Say "Hello" to Barack for me.
I wish you nothing but luck in the future.
He'll need it.AND THE WINNER IS: I mean, it has to be Philly, right?
Don't get me wrong, these Phillies got old in a hurry.
Chase Utley's knee issues scare the bejeezus out of me, and Brad Lidge...well, Brad Lidge sucks.
But still, the Phillies have the four best starting pitchers in the division. That's just ridiculous.
They should be able to find a way to win behind such a potentially dominant rotation and a lineup that still features Ryan Howard, he of the oh-so-pretty homeruns.
The Braves are loaded, but I think they're still a little young to run with the big boys.
Or rather, I hope they are.
It should be an exciting race, and it should be a great season.
Opening Day is almost here. The fields are lined, the grass is cut and the beer is already overpriced.
There's only one thing left to say...that timeless catch phrase, the best three words in the English language:
Fuck the Mets.
1 comment:
Fat Joe and the Terror Squad! Can we go with that? Please?
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