Los Lonely Boys

To be on a team like the Phillies or Yankees, surrounded by superstars on a daily basis, is certainly a luxury few get to enjoy. Jorge Posada wakes up every morning with a smile on his face, despite the fact that he's still Jorge Freaking Posada.

Other stars, unfortunately, are not so lucky.

Like Andrew McCutchen, the young outfielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates who has all the tools and no one to share them with.

Or like Zack Greinke, the reigning AL Cy Young winner whose only other star teammate is Joakim Soria, the Royals' excellent closer and owner of the game's best unibrow.

David Wright had it pretty bad last season, what with Johan Santana needing elbow surgery, Jose Reyes' endless injury odyssey, and the career of Carlos Beltran going missing and presumed dead.

But if we're talking about which MLB stars are the most alone, the most in need of a friend, or at the very least in need of a decent contact hitter to protect them in the lineup, the conversation begins and ends with Ryan Zimmerman and Adrian Gonzalez.

Zimmerman's first full year with the Nationals was 2006. I remember drafting him for my fantasy team simply because my college roommate, Ed Han, suggested it. The other options at the time were Aaron Boone and Pedro Feliz.

You're the best, Ed Han. Don't ever change.

He's a career .286 hitter despite being the only legitimate threat in Washington's lineup the last four years. No, Adam Dunn doesn't count. Are you being serious right now?

Now head west, friends, and you'll find Ryan's kindred spirit toiling in obscurity as the faceless, punchless Padres play out another season.

Poor Adrian Gonzalez. He hit 40 homeruns last season despite playing half his games in enormous Petco Park and having David Eckstein and Tony Gwynn Jr. as his "table setters."

And you thought Helen Keller was a miracle worker.

Overrated.

But which one of these poor gentlemen has it the worst? Glad you asked. Let's break it down. This won't hurt a bit.

Career highlight: Zimmerman hit a walkoff homerun to christen the National's new ballpark on Opening Day in 2008. Nothing that exciting comes to mind for Gonzo, but he has turned many excellent double plays in his day.

(Dis)advantage: G-Money.

Future worth: Zimmerman signed away his chance at the playoffs when he agreed to be a National until 2013. On the other hand, he's loaded. I doubt he loses sleep over this, and if he does, he can just pay someone to sleep for him. Well played, Ryan.

But the good news for Adrian is that in the very near future, he will be stupid rich. Based on the five year, $125M deal Ryan Howard just inked, Gonzo can expect close to $20M/year if he files for free agency at season's end.

If he files? Please. He gone.

(Dis)advantage: Z-Man.

Second best teammate: Along with Dunn, Zimmerman shares the clubhouse with Josh Willingham, Livan Hernandez and Pudge Rodriguez.

Not quite the 1927 Yankees, but pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg figures to be in the majors soon. He and ZimDog will be Facebook friends in no time.

Gonzalez, on the other hand, doesn't even want to have this conversation. The Padres have a competent closer, which is about the best thing you can say about any closer these days.

His name is Heath Bell, and he seems nice.

After that? Are you brave enough to hitch your wagon to Jon Garland? Is "brave" even the right word in this situation?

This debate is over.

(Dis)advantage: G-Slice.

And while I can't confirm anything, I'm sure the Padres play a "Yo, Adrian!" clip every time Adrian does something good. That just seems like something they'd do, right?

So we have a winner. But the Padres currently sit in first place in the weak NL West, providing something that resembles a glimmer of hope for the loneliest superstar in baseball.

Look on the bright side, mi amigo...San Diego is a beautiful city with a great zoo, excellent beaches, and Ron Burgundy.

All things you can remember fondly as you're hitting .240 for some American League contender next season.

You stay classy, Adrian Gonzalez.

Speaking of big dummies with silly facial hair, this week the Asteroids tangle with our good friend and roommate, Kyle Allain.

His team is named the Notorious Darlings, which is only super lame until you realize that we're best friends and plan on buying matching BFF pendants soon.

But make no mistake, Kyle, you bearded bastard. Do not take the Darlings lightly. We are a force to be reckoned with

The Asteroids will strike you down in a flurry of changeups and triples until your eyes bleed, until your bones are shattered, until you can stand no more and beg for the sweet release of death to spare you from our devastating path of destruction.

See you at the dinner table.