Go West, Young Man

In case you didn't know, America is awesome.

Think about it: You can make a phone call and, within the hour, have food of almost any ethnicity delivered to your house.

You can videotape your favorite TV programs and watch them at a later date, where you can concentrate better because you're not all stoned.

And you can do a terrible job of picking division winners (like here and here) but still come back and do it again next year, because this is the Internet and no one can fire you.

Let's do this thing.

Pictured (left to right): Baseball players.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: We begin in San Francisco, home of the champs.

Major kudos to manager Bruce Bochy, whose bold "Great starting pitching + maybe Cody Ross will get hot + hope to God we can beat Cliff Lee" strategy worked to perfection.

And just like last year, they'll go as far as Tim Lincecum can carry them. But how far is that?

Consider: At only 26 years old, Lincecum has three consecutive strikeout titles, two Cy Young Awards and one World Series ring.

Assuming he pitches for ten more seasons, he projects to with nine Cy Youngs and five World Series titles.

("But he's no Sandy Koufax!" cries Peter Gammons, hoping someone will listen)

And don't bother checking my math. It's flawless. See? You may think fantasy baseball blogging is easy and a waste of time, but it's actually only one of those things.

Once again with San Fran, it's the offense that could be their undoing. A much slimmer Pablo Sandoval rejoins Pat Burrell, Aubrey Huff and Buster Posey in the starting lineup. Hey, you could do worse (see: the Padres).

Throw in Brian Wilson going crazy and Lincecum's past drug incidents and you have a club that won't feel any pressure to repeat.

Either because they're true professionals, or because they've already forgotten they won in the first place.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS: After two straight NLCS appearances, the Dodgers failed to make the postseason and finished third in 2010.

Gone are the dreadlocked antics of Manny Ramirez. Gone is the Yoda-like wisdom of Joe Torre, replaced by some guy named Don Mattingly.

Yeah, I've never heard of him either.

But Dom Mattison will have plenty of firepower as Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier and James Loney all continue to improve. Rafael Furcal can still be a dangerous leadoff man, and Casey Blake continues to be a BP superstar.

And just like their rivals, the Dodgers' rotation is deep. Clayton Kershaw and Chad Billingsley are a formidable 1-2 punch, Ted Lilly has his good days, and Jon Garland is still a pitcher that teams hire to pitch.

The left/right tandem of Hong-Chih Kuo and Jonathan Broxton should provide fits for opposing hitters in late innings. With solid arms all around, everything rides on the bats.

Anybody know if Dan Mattiger was a good hitter?

SAN DIEGO PADRES: Imagine you've just finished a great date and you're standing on the doorstep, smiling at each other, neither wanting to be the first one to say goodbye.

It's entirely likely they're waiting for a good night kiss but you freeze up, mumble farewell and retreat into the darkness.

Oh, well. Maybe next time.

Except the next morning you decide, "Screw it, that was close enough. I should destroy my phone so I don't accidentally call them."

Congratulations on ruining what could have been a great thing. Or as I like to call it, "pulling a Padre."

After finishing two games out in the division last season, San Diego decided, "Screw it, that was close enough," shipped Adrian Gonzalez to Boston and chucked their cell phones into the Pacific.

What exactly is the plan here, boys? Close your eyes and hope some deus ex machina nonsense goes down? Try your hardest and hope you all learn valuable lessons about friendship?

Miracles like that just don't happen. This isn't Friday Night Lights.

Clear eyes, full hearts, last place.

COLORADO ROCKIES: Troy Tulowitzki is going to have a monster year. You heard it here 374th.

He played out of his mind last September, blasting 15 homeruns and 40 RBIs to nearly lead Colorado into the playoffs. If he can stay healthy for a full season, MVP-caliber numbers will follow.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler are both blossoming offensive talents, and we must never underestimate the power of The Wigginton.

So the real question is: Can Ubaldo Jimenez stay dominant?

An absurdly absurd first half saw Jimenez go 15-1 with a 2.20 ERA before the All-Star break last year, only to collect four more wins the rest of the way.

While the rest of the rotation is decent, Colorado isn't making it to Rocktober unless their ace pitches like one from Opening Day to the final weekend.

But hey, no pressure or anything.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS: If there's any correlation between "time spent typing" and "chances of winning the division," I should have ended this paragraph six words ago.

AND THE WINNER IS: So we have a three team race between the Giants, Dodgers and Rockies.

The Giants have A+ pitching but a C- offense (and that's being kind). The Dodgers have B- pitching to match a B- offense, and the Rockies have the biggest offensive force and second best starting pitcher, but they wear purple.

This is a tough one.

In what should be a great race, I'm going with Colorado. I just love Tulo too much this season, and having the best player in the division certainly has its advantages.

So there you have it. Thanks so much for sticking around.

As a token of my appreciation, I've taken the same brilliant insights and pull-no-punches analysis and applied them to the American League's western division, as well.

Grab a cup of coffee. This could take awhile.


AL WEST: It's the Rangers, and it's not close. Now get outta here.