Something that makes Buster Olney and John Kruk chest bump each other.
Take Saturday night for example. Travis Wood, in only his third major league start, was thiiiis close to throwing a perfect game against the Phillies.
Problem was, nine perfect innings wouldn’t have even notched him a win...not with Doc Halladay toeing the rubber for Philly and tossing up zeroes of his own.
So this 23-year-old kid is outs away from doing something only 20 other men have done, and one of those 20 men just happens to be trying to stop him.
What are the odds?
Wood falls short, and the Phillies go on to nab their third straight extra-inning walkoff win, the first time they’ve ever done that...and they’ve only been around since 1883.
Baseball’s the best, I don’t care what you say.
And as we all settle in to watch the All-Star Game tonight, it’s time for the best game to honor its best players.
And Omar Infante, for some reason.
Festivities got off to a redundant start last night as baseball’s greatest sluggers vied for the homerun derby crown.
I just hope you all set your DVR.
You’ll always want to remember the night immortals like Nick Swisher, Corey Hart and Chris Young waged an epic battle for the absolute worst trophy in sports.
"How long do I have to hold this thing?"
But tonight, it matters.
The stars are out in (sort of) LaLa Land as MLB presents FOX Presenting the 13th Straight American League Beatdown Except for That One Tie And It’s Also Probably Sponsored by Sbarros or Something.
Hey, you know who probably won’t make an All-Star team any time soon? These guys.
In the much anticipated follow up to the best fantasy team ever, I submit to you baseball’s worst Starting Nine.
First base: Daric Barton, Athletics: Mr. Barton’s numbers are actually pretty solid. Overall, this position is probably the strongest in the game, so it makes sense that the worst everyday first baseman is still decent.
Consider yourself the Ringo of baseball, Daric: Maybe not the most talented or the most handsome, but hey...you’re still in the show.
Second base: Chone Figgins, Mariners: I picked the Mariners to win the AL West and the signing of Figgins was a big reason why.
Three months and a .235 batting average later, I’d like to humbly offer you all a “My bad.”
Team him up with Daric Barton and we’re on our way to the least productive, worst-spelled infield imaginable. Don’t even act like you aren’t having fun.
Shortstop: Everth Cabrera, Padres: Although a quick Google search reveals no relation between Cabrera and the infamous Mario Mendoza, a look at his box scores tell a different story.
His .199 batting average is laughable, but wait, it gets better.
Jerry Hairston Jr. is second on the SS depth chart but happens to start RF, meaning we’ll soon see the day when the Padres get fed up with Everth’s ineptitude, start Hairston at short and leave right field empty for the whole game.
That’s how depth charts work, right?
Third base: Aramis Ramirez, Cubs: There was a time long, long ago when Ramirez was one of the more feared hitters in the game.
No, it’s true. You have to believe me.
Now his .207 average and ten homeruns make his $16M salary look like highway robbery.
Hey Sweet Lou, I have an idea: Sign me to replace him.
I’ll play for 1/16th his salary, will laugh at all of Ryan Dempster’s lame jokes, and even help sneak Starlin Castro into R-rated movies.
Think about it.
Catcher: Jason Castro, Astros: Who?
Exactly. Let’s move on.
Left field: Melky Cabrera, Braves: Boy, this is awkward.
So, how have you been, Melky? Uh huh, yeah. A five-game hitting streak back in June, you say?
That’s great. We’re really happy for you.
Oh, hang out this Friday? Gee, we can’t...we have a thing. Maybe some other time.
Nice seeing you, though. Tell Bobby Cox we said “Hello.”
He drunk-dials us at least once a week. It's not OK.
Right field: Randy Winn, Cardinals: A .220 average, one homerun, and Randy isn't even his real name.
His full name is Dwight Randolph Winn. Let this be a lesson to you, "Randy."
Nobody likes a liar.
Center field: Trevor Crowe, Indians: I’d regale you with tales of his one homerun and 20 RBIs, but Cleveland has had a rough week. The poor things.
Pitcher: Carlos Zambrano, Cubs: A 3-6 record, a 5.66 ERA, a demotion to the bullpen and finally, mercifully, being indefinitely suspended.
He even guest starred on the Darlings for a few weeks, taking the place of an injured Chad Billingsley. And like dating the bad boy in high school, it was exciting for awhile.
Him in his leather jacket. The long motorcycle rides. Bar fights, posting bail, staying out late.
Ultimately, though, it just wasn’t for us. The Darlings aren’t that kind of girl.
Closer: Goodness. Where to start?
Chad Qualls is somehow still throwing the 9th for Arizona despite an 8.60 ERA. Brad Lidge’s ERA is about half that, but Philly fans are still twice as nervous when he shows up.
Frank Francisco ceded his job to Neftali Perez after about a day, and David Aardsma is 0-6 and showing glimpses of his true, mediocre self.
So give any of these fellas the benefit of the doubt. Give them your undivided attention.
Gladly give them one dollar tomorrow for a hamburger today.
Give them your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Just don’t give them the ball.
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