You Must Not Know About The Asteroids

I am not a perfect person.

I talk too loud, have a terrible memory and am almost always wrong.

But by far, my biggest flaw---and the one that has hurt me the most over the years---is my disgusting sense of loyalty.

We could have gone the distance, Melky. You and me really could have been something. And damnit, I did my best.

But no more.

Oh, don't act surprised. I'm sick of this routine...I write about how awful you've been, you promise the next series will be different, I take you back, you go 0-for-5 in the first two games then ride pine for the finale.

For the last six weeks you have given me nothing but disappointment and a lousy on-base percentage. Don't look at me like that. You did this to yourself.

I've put up with it long enough. It's not me, it's you.

I'm tired of hoping for the old Melky to show up. The one who wanted to hit, wanted to be in big situations, not the one who stands at home plate with a blank look on his face and the bat on his shoulder.

If you liked it then you shoulda put a swing on it.

All your belongings are already packed in a box placed neatly to the left. Your uniform, which never needed cleaning.

The hand-crafted, mahogony pedestal you made, inscription reading, "2010 NL MVP: Melky Cabrera."

Our team photo from the Darling Asteroids picnic, the one where David Aardsma has cake smeared all over his face.

Those were great times. But they were few and far between, and I am a strong, independent black woman who don't need no Melk Man to support me. You had your chance. Don't come back.

Think you're irreplaceable? Please.

I could have another mediocre outfielder in a minute. Matter of fact, he'll be here any minute.

His name's Ryan Sweeney, and he knows how to treat a fantasy team. He can play all three outfield positions and is hitting .295 with 19 runs and 16 RBIs.

And while we're on the subject of terrible outfielders who need to be cut...will Julio Borbόn please report the the manager's office.

Now I'll admit to not knowing a lot about you, Julio, except that your incredible speed basically made you the lovechild of Usian Bolt and Sonic the Hedgehog.

Well, I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out.

You're hitting .213 with only five stolen bases and may literally be drunk every night. If the Asteroids wanted a guy with no power and a lousy average who could only steal bases, we would have drafted Juan Pierre.

So meet your replacement...Juan Pierre.

That's right. Just sitting on the waiver wire was good 'ole Juan and his MLB-leading 17 swipes. His .240 average, while uninspiring, is nearly 30 points higher than our dearly departed Julio.

Also, Pierre looks like JP, the little sidekick from "Angels in the Outfield," a classic which is also Adrien Brody's finest hour.

Start flapping your arms, kid. The Darlings need some magic.

The important thing is that the Asteroids are making fundamental changes. No one is safe from this new regime. You either perform, or you go the way of the Dodo bird. You win, or you're dead to me.

Even everyone's Favorite Man, Chad Billingsley, is not immune to being shopped around or cut if he doesn't deliver the goods.

Sike...I can't stay mad at you.

Our massive outfield shakeups come on the heels of a bit of a wasted week for the Asteroids. On the strength of five Saturday homeruns, Kyle took a 7-5 lead yesterday and most categories are all but decided.

But the Darlings are survivors, and we're not gonna give up.

Next week we tango with our friend Jason and his team, Kenny Powers Mullet. They currently sit in third place, so this figures to be a slugfest.

With two new outfielders to flank the perfect Matt Kemp, there's no way Kenny Powers Mullet is ready for this jelly.

Jason, leave your team at home.

It's Week 7 and the Darlings are jumpin', jumpin'.