In a little hum-drum town in northeast Ohio, Everyone’s Favorite Man was born into this world.
And oh! What a wonderful world is has been since that day. Food tastes better, colors are brighter. Carl Pavano remembers how to pitch.
For all that you’ve done for me, for the world and for the Darling Asteroids,
Here are twenty-six reasons why you are, simply put, the greatest thing ever invented ever.
1. The only logical place to start is your first name.
Nope.
Simple. Concise. Chad.
2. Billingsley: Regal and refined, like and old English king.
3. Your curveball. What can I say? Some gentlemen prefer blondes. Some men prefer wide backsides. I’m a curveball man.
Give me a good breaking ball and I’m yours forever.
4. Your fastball. It tops out in the 95 MPH range and rarely dips below 90 MPH. No showing off from ‘ole Chad. He’s so humble.
5. Your career ERA of 3.62...not bad at all, but like my self-esteem after a night cruising for chicks, we know it’s coming down.
6. Because after your first career plate appearance (a HBP), a weaker man would have surrendered. Would have thrown in the towel and and walked away.
“Baseball is too hard. I’m scared,” this hypothetical mama’s boy would have whined.
Not you, Chad. In your next at-bat you stood tall like the man among men that you are and drove in two runs of your own. You are truly an inspiration.
7. Because you were born in Defiance, Ohio.
Defiance, Ohio?! Are you kidding me?
The only way that’s more prefect is if there’s a Completegameshutoutville, Missouri...and I checked.
There isn't.
8. Because of your one career homerun, a majestic shot off a hanging slider from San Diego's Josh Banks.
You could easily pull a Steve Nebraska and hit one every time up but, as we’ve seen, that just ain't your style.
9. The number of wins you have this season. Also the number of times a day you make me smile.
10. Because you never rush into things. You debuted on June 15, 2006 yet didn’t make the All-Star team until 2009.
I’m glad we waited, Chad. It made that night all the more special.
11. You’ve given up 324 runs in your career, 301 of which were earned.
324 - 301 = 23, the number of Chicago Bulls great Michael Jordan.
Coincidence? No such thing.
12. According to my twelfth favorite website, baseball-reference.com, your career Rrep is 433 and your career Rdef is -2. I am unsure what that means, but it sounds fantastic.
13. The number of runs you’ve surrendered in two playoff starts against the Phillies. Sorry for being so selfish about this, buddy. I’m not a perfect person.
14. Because a few weeks ago, I was in a bad way.
The love of my life, country music star Carrie Underwood, had just gotten married and the Darling Asteroids were on a terrible losing streak.
You were the only one who was there for me. You calmly listened, never judged. You were a shoulder to cry on.
And afterward you took me to Applebee’s. I’ll never forget that.
15. The number of consecutive scoreless innings you’ve thrown. Look out, Orel Hershiser. There’s a new sheriff in town.
16. The number of games you won in 2008, a career best. But heck, we all know a 20-win season is on the horizon someday. Maybe even 30 wins.
That’s what I like about you, Chad. You’re unpredictable.
17. Those impossibly dark brown eyes of yours. I’ve been trying to contact Van Morrison about re-writing his classic hit just for you.
“Brown Eyed Chad” would win so many Grammys. It’s a shame he won’t return my calls.
18. Because of that winning smile.
*ping!*19. Your west coast games finish too late for me to watch, usually. But it’s always a special treat to wake up and see a “W” by your name. Really starts the morning out right.
20. Dodger Blue. It’s always been my favorite color, yet I never knew why. In retrospect, it seems so obvious.
21. Because of this incredible statistic: Every time you win, the Dodgers are undefeated.
Think about it.
22. That’s how many years it’s been since Jack Buck couldn’t believe what he just saw...Kirk Gibson taking Dennis Eckersley deep in Game 1 of the World Series, hobbling around the base paths, fist pumping like a champ.
That was Dodgertown’s last title, Chad. But with you, that kid Kershaw, the perfect Matt Kemp and company, something tells me it won’t be much longer.
23. Because whenever I’m feeling down, whenever The Man is cramping my style, whenever I feel like pulling a Zack Greinke and freaking out on everyone...I think of your three career complete games. And suddenly, I’m at peace.
24. Because, while I have no way of confirming it, my heart tells me that your favorite song is “My Baby Takes The Morning Train” by Sheena Easton. And that’s just awesome.
25. Because of our past. We’ve been through a lot, you and I have, big guy. But I’ll always keep a spot open for you, and I know my faith will be rewarded.
26. Because of the future.
You have ace potential, Chad. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it.
In auction drafts, I’ll continue to spend ten dollars too much on you. In regular drafts, I’ll continue to select you three rounds too early.
Why?
Because you have the magic. Because I need to see that smiling face in my lineup every five days.
Because you’re my boy.
Happy birthday, Mufasa. You the man.
1 comment:
This almost made my physically sick. But I admire your inexorable devotion.
If Theodore Roosevelt Lilly by happenstance becomes a Dodger today, it will be as a birthday gift to Chad Billingsley.
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