Oh, don’t get me wrong. I had heard his name before. I had seen “Gload” scrawl across the bottom of my TV screen, followed by “Pinch hit something or other” a time or two.
But I had never actually seen him with my own eyes.
Gload was just like Sasquatch, or a scoreless inning from Trevor Hoffman: others assured me it existed, promised me it had happened, and I had no choice but to take them at their word.
But a few months back, on a lazy Saturday when Placido Polanco got the day off, seeing became believing.
Midway through the Phillies lineup, a nondescript, generic-looking gentleman stepped into the box.
My brow furrowed.
A name appeared on the screen and, as if seeing a new color for the first time, equal parts confusion and excitement washed over me. I turned to my roommate Geoff, who was similarly puzzled.
Half surprised, half questioning, I said/asked, “Oh, that’s Ross Gload?”
Geoff stared quizzically.
“I guess so.”
Ross Gload, apparently.I can hardly be blamed for never seeing Ross in his natural habitat. After all, he is a member of an exclusive and unique club, one which can only exist in the baseball world.
He is one of the many versatile, middle of the lineup or back of the rotation guys who consistently hit .270 or post mid-4.00 ERAs.
These players are good enough to endlessly bounce from team to team, yet rarely find a permanent place to rest their underwhelming heads.
Cody Ross and Wes Helms were charter members before joining forces in Florida a few years ago.
In an emotional ceremony, about twenty-six teams retired Shea Hillenbrand’s jersey after the 2007 season.
Mark DeRosa is the team’s captain and spiritual leader, and Jeff Conine is still spoken about in reverential tones.
It’s an incredible skill to have, being just effective enough to earn a shot ...yet lousy enough that no one will mourn your departure.
And among these mediocre nomads, two men stand above the rest.
Two men who consistently put up numbers that make you say, “Sure. Fine. Whatever.” Two men who, if you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t even blink.
Yes, there is a tie atop the Lifelong Lousy Leaderboard between two men.
Or so I thought.
The careers of Aubrey Huff and Ty Wigginton have been consistent and unspectacular, and I mean that as a compliment.
They have bounced around both leagues, and have even played on the same team a time or two.
And this is where things get interesting.
Dig deeper my friends, and you’ll find a truth that Mr. Allan Huber “Bud” Selig doesn’t want us to talk about.
He has been pulling the wool over our eyes for far too long, and like Tom Hanks in “The Da Vinci Code,” it is my job to make sure this conspiracy sees the light of day.
Brace yourselves, friends. This bombshell will knock your socks off.
Are you sitting down? Good. Here it is:
Aubrey Huff and Ty Wigginton are the same person.
He is one of the many versatile, middle of the lineup or back of the rotation guys who consistently hit .270 or post mid-4.00 ERAs.
These players are good enough to endlessly bounce from team to team, yet rarely find a permanent place to rest their underwhelming heads.
Cody Ross and Wes Helms were charter members before joining forces in Florida a few years ago.
In an emotional ceremony, about twenty-six teams retired Shea Hillenbrand’s jersey after the 2007 season.
Mark DeRosa is the team’s captain and spiritual leader, and Jeff Conine is still spoken about in reverential tones.
It’s an incredible skill to have, being just effective enough to earn a shot ...yet lousy enough that no one will mourn your departure.
And among these mediocre nomads, two men stand above the rest.
Two men who consistently put up numbers that make you say, “Sure. Fine. Whatever.” Two men who, if you saw walking down the street, you wouldn’t even blink.
Yes, there is a tie atop the Lifelong Lousy Leaderboard between two men.
Or so I thought.
The careers of Aubrey Huff and Ty Wigginton have been consistent and unspectacular, and I mean that as a compliment.
They have bounced around both leagues, and have even played on the same team a time or two.
And this is where things get interesting.
Dig deeper my friends, and you’ll find a truth that Mr. Allan Huber “Bud” Selig doesn’t want us to talk about.
He has been pulling the wool over our eyes for far too long, and like Tom Hanks in “The Da Vinci Code,” it is my job to make sure this conspiracy sees the light of day.
Brace yourselves, friends. This bombshell will knock your socks off.
Are you sitting down? Good. Here it is:
Aubrey Huff and Ty Wigginton are the same person.
Busted.I know, I know. I didn’t believe it at first. But the evidence is overwhelming.
First off, when was the last time you saw Aubrey Huff or Ty Wigginton at all...let alone together?
And isn’t it a little curious that “Ty Wigginton” and “Aubrey Huff” have both “played” for Tampa Bay, Toronto, Houston and Baltimore.
You must admit, the odds of two men sharing such similar resumés is a little peculiar.
Or is it?
Or perhaps “they” have to keep moving, always on the run, because the second “they” stay put for too long someone will catch on to their dirty little secret.
“But Jake, Huff and Wigginton both played for the Baltimore Orioles last season,” I pretend you’re thinking in order to move the plot along.
Don’t be so blind.
“Ty” was a bench player for much of the season. When he did start, he DH’ed or played first base. Do you know who got the day off on those occasions?
Bullseye.
Also, “Aubrey” had a bit of a down year statistically last season, hitting only .253 with 13 homeruns before being “traded” to “Detroit.”
Perhaps he had trouble adjusting to the tough AL East.
Maybe he just had an off year. That happens, right?
Or maybe he had to make quick outs so he could run into the clubhouse, switch jerseys and come back to the plate as a certain Wiggly utility man.
It’s all just so obvious, people. Open your eyes!
I’m sure “Bud” Selig is in his ivory tower right now, wading Scrooge McDuck-style through the $3M that MLB is paying “Aubrey Huff” this season.
Well now the secret it out.
Selig’s goons are probably on their way to my apartment right now, ready to silence me by any means necessary. Well you can silence me...but you can never silence the truth.
Go on and fight the good fight, friends. It’s too late for me.
Goodbye...and good luck.
First off, when was the last time you saw Aubrey Huff or Ty Wigginton at all...let alone together?
And isn’t it a little curious that “Ty Wigginton” and “Aubrey Huff” have both “played” for Tampa Bay, Toronto, Houston and Baltimore.
You must admit, the odds of two men sharing such similar resumés is a little peculiar.
Or is it?
Or perhaps “they” have to keep moving, always on the run, because the second “they” stay put for too long someone will catch on to their dirty little secret.
“But Jake, Huff and Wigginton both played for the Baltimore Orioles last season,” I pretend you’re thinking in order to move the plot along.
Don’t be so blind.
“Ty” was a bench player for much of the season. When he did start, he DH’ed or played first base. Do you know who got the day off on those occasions?
Bullseye.
Also, “Aubrey” had a bit of a down year statistically last season, hitting only .253 with 13 homeruns before being “traded” to “Detroit.”
Perhaps he had trouble adjusting to the tough AL East.
Maybe he just had an off year. That happens, right?
Or maybe he had to make quick outs so he could run into the clubhouse, switch jerseys and come back to the plate as a certain Wiggly utility man.
It’s all just so obvious, people. Open your eyes!
I’m sure “Bud” Selig is in his ivory tower right now, wading Scrooge McDuck-style through the $3M that MLB is paying “Aubrey Huff” this season.
Well now the secret it out.
Selig’s goons are probably on their way to my apartment right now, ready to silence me by any means necessary. Well you can silence me...but you can never silence the truth.
Go on and fight the good fight, friends. It’s too late for me.
Goodbye...and good luck.
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