It's Playoff Time?!

Bad news, friends: This year's playoffs are going to be terrible.

I know this, for I have seen the future. The Cardinals and Phillies just completed a four-game series, dubbed by many experts as a "playoff preview." The results were quite confounding.

Apparently, Game 1 will be started by Phils' righty Joe "Joe" Blanton and Cardinals rookie Jaime Garcia. A curious decision by Tony LaRussa, but who are we to question him? He's forgotten more about the game than we'll ever know.

Charlie Manuel matched the curiousness by keeping Roy Halladay out until Game 4, and superstars Jimmy Rollins and Chris Carpenter were nowhere to be found. This postseason promises to be an odd adventure, indeed.

What's that you say? Managers usually start their best pitchers in Game 1? And calling something a "playoff preview" in early May, when teams still have trades to make, injuries to overcome, rosters to expand, rotations to set and grooves to get into is completely absurd and negates the next five months of baseball?

You can't imagine how stupid you sound right now. Don't let Tony hear you talk like this.

In LaRussa's defense, he hates baseball.

We'll agree to disagree on this point for now as I ask you to close your eyes and come with me on a journey.

It's your wedding day. Your entire family is in attendance, the sun is shining on a crisp, early autumn morning and the leaves are turning a beautiful red-orange, setting the backdrop for your special day.

Fellas, you look dashing. As you stand by your best man and non-denominational religious leader, you catch your mother's eye. She's so proud of you.

Ladies, you look beautiful. Your dress is perfect. As you make your way down the aisle arm in arm with your father, he begins to bawl. What a softy.

Words are said, rings are exchanged. You kiss. Cue the organ, it's honeymoon time. You two lovebirds turn to make your way back down the aisle, eager to start a new life together...but a man is blocking your way.

You have never seen this man before. He was not invited. He stands between you and the exit, microphone in hand, wearing a tacky, brightly-colored suit and tie combination and sporting an embarrassing head of hair.

His name is Craig Sager, and he has a few questions for you.

"Hi! Mind if I interrupt the happiest day of your life for a sec?"

Imagine what should be a moment full of pure joy ruined by the likes of this man, pulling you away from the excitement in order to ask you such basic questions as "How do you feel right now?" and "What does this mean to you?" A real bummer, right?

That's what athletes face these days. As soon as the final out is recorded, as soon as the final seconds tick away, as soon as the last shot is made, some imbecile with a camera crew is all up in they business, tryna' get the 411.

(Did I do that correctly?)

I understand the importance of a post-game press conference, as well as media members doing interviews in the clubhouse/locker room. (Even though the newspaper industry is dying. See exhibit A: my journalism degree)

But come on, guys...stay off the field. Let the men who have worked so hard celebrate with each other, hug and scream at each other, shoot strategically placed champagne at each other.

Ya know...genuine, organic, ecstatic moments so everything in sports doesn't seem so orchestrated and manufactured...

"Hey Alex, where'd all the plastic wrap and goggles come from?"

The same goes for mid-game interviews with coaches, managers or anyone else. They contribute nothing in terms of actual strategic knowledge and only serve as a distraction from the real game.

I can't imagine someone like Sager interrupting famous curmudgeons like Ty Cobb or Bobby Knight mid-battle, although I would certainly like to. We'd finally answer the age old question, "What happens when you light a sideline reporter on fire?"

In any case, we learn about as much from these in-game Q&A sessions as we do listening to Tim McCarver call CC Sabathia's 93 MPH fastball "an excellent changeup." Which he does. All the time.

Besides, the first rule of journalism is to show, not tell.

Are you reading this, TV Land? You can show us what winning means to a team by simply filming the celebration and shutting the hell up.

And then you can tell Craig Sager to get a professional wardrobe consultant. Seriously, bro...does your blind wife dress you in the dark?