Central Questions

We head to middle America to tackle a question that has plagued mankind for two and a half decades:

If God is all powerful, can he make a division so lame that even I can't stand it?

It's a single question with no singular answer. Personally, I have nothing against the fine cities of Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, Kansas City and Minnesota.

More than once I've found my self driving a Ford, munching on a deep dish pizza, singing along to "Purple Rain" while pondering the deeper meanings of The Drew Carey Show.

So trust me, I get it.

And yet something about these five clubs fills me up with an overwhelming feeling of indifference.

Maybe it's the uniforms. Maybe it's the stadiums. Maybe it's the lingering emotional damage of Major League 3: Back to the Minors.

But I've checked and rechecked and there's no way around it: One of these teams is going to win the division.

So we're forced to take a closer look, even if analyzing the AL Central is my second least-favorite thing.

Meet number one, y'all.

DETROIT TIGERS: We begin in Detroit, arguably the most American of cities. This place has everything: Motown, fast cars, and a dwindling sense of hope matched only by the crippling poverty.

The Tigers signed catcher Victor Martinez to a 4-year/$50M deal this winter, an addition they hope will force opponents to pitch to Miguel Cabrera, who can be the best hitter alive if he just gets his mind right.

The flamethrowing duo of Justin Verlander and Max Scherzer are joined by oft-injured Brad Penny and talented young righty Rick Porcello.

But it's the offense that keeps manager Jim Leyland up at night, chain smoking Marlboros and yelling that he can't find Regis on the picture box.

Incredibly, every batter in Detroit's lineup is one year older than they were last season...an excellent strategy if you want discounts at brunch, but terrible if you want to win baseball games.

Their underwhelming offense features veterans Brandon Inge, Magglio Ordonez and Jhonny Peralta (which I spelled correctly, you have to believe me).

With so many lackluster bats, it's unclear if Detroit can hit enough to contend. After Cabrera and Martinez, this team turns into a grandmother: Old, frail and always calling to talk about stamp prices.

CLEVELAND INDIANS: They've traded two Cy Young winners in the last four years, and the face of their franchise is now the shell of Grady Sizemore's former self.

Not only that, but Bon Jovi was left off the 2011 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ballot.

Man, Cleveland can't do anything right.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX: From the city that brought you the Super Bowl Shuffle comes a hilarious new comedy which proves you can choose your team, but you can't choose your teammates.

When Jake Peavy was traded to the White Sox in 2009, he was hoping for a chance at a ring.

But he never thought he'd find something even more valuable...a friend.

One's a former Cy Young winner recovering from injury. One's a soft-tossing lefty with a heart of gold.

Together, they're taking on all comers...if they don't drive each other crazy first!

This season, Jake Peavy and Mark Buehrle are...

You would so watch this.

Of all the "meh" infesting the AL Central, no team is more "meh" than Chicago. Last year they were 8th in the league in RBIs, 6th in OPS and 8th in ERA.

They do everything well, but do nothing great.

Their offense and pitching don't scare you, but you can't sleep on them, either. Nothing to write home about...just uninspired, bland medioctiry all around.

They're probably Tom Petty's favorite team.

MINNESOTA TWINS: Many feared that moving from the Metrodome to Target Field would rob the Twins of their unique home field advantage while simultaneously decimating the already struggling giant-trashbag-for-a-right-field-wall industry.

Only one of those worries came to fruition as the Twins won their second straight AL Central crown.

Even more impressive, they did it without their stud closer (Joe Nathan, elbow injury) and slugging 1B (Justin Morneau, Canadian).

The Twins are the ultimate scrimpers and savers, paying big money to their franchise guys (Morneau and Joe Mauer) and surrounding them with cheap, effective labor.

Despite only Jim Thome topping 25 HRs, they still finished 3rd in the league in hitting (.273), 4th in RBIs (749) and 4th in OPS (.762).

Get 'em on, get 'em over, get 'em in, don'tcha know.

The rotation is solid behind ace Francisco Liriano and 17-game winner Carl Pavano, and a bullpen that finished 8th in ERA (3.49) will be even better with Nathan back to close.

That's what the Twins do: Take a superstar or two, add some low-priced talent and fill in the blanks along the way.

They're the Miami Heat of baseball, but with much better results.

And way better moustaches.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS: On any other team, closer Joakim Soria is a household name, posting 40+ saves with a sub-2.00 ERA in two of his last three seasons.

But on the Royals?

He's just really, really lonely.

AND THE WINNER IS: Minnesota.

Apologies for the lack of build up, but good reasons to pick another club are few and far between.

The Twins won the division by six games last year, and the returns of Nathan, Morneau and Carl Pavano's flavor saver will only make them stronger.

With such a well-rounded squad, we could be looking at a dark horse World Series candidate. I can see it now:

It's a chilly day in late October as floats roll down various Minneapolis avenues.

Joe Mauer holds the World Series trophy aloft for the fans to see. Michael Cuddyer waves to the masses as a breath of cold air escapes from his grinning face.

But on the lead float, Carl Pavano is silent.

His World Series MVP trophy is beside him. He doesn't wave, shout, hoot or holler. He just stares into the distance, stuck in a zen-like state of perfect serenity.

King of his own world, he stands like George Washington crossing the Delaware River...defiant, triumphant, a true champion.

Soaking in every last moment, he closes his eyes and faces forward, his glorious lip-tickler leading the victory parade.

Who wants a moustache ride?