The AL East: Let's Get This Over With

Under normal circumstances, I can bang out 800-1,200 words about baseball in no time flat.

I sit in my room and yell out an idea, any idea, just to put it out into the world...

"The resurgence of base stealers set against the landscape of a crumbling American economic infrastructure!"

...and within moments the idea has returned to me like a boomerang, only now its bursting at the seams with insight, clever angles and enough bad puns to make Joe Buck's head explode.

But then there's the AL East.

Quite simply, I'm sick of the Yankees and the Red Sox.

I'm sick of the hype, sick of all 18 of their games being nationally televised, sick of hearing it's the biggest rivalry in the game, and sick of Kevin Youkilis and his sad, puppy dog eyes.

If I'm a mathematician, then Joba Chamberlain is the popular early-90s comedian Sinbad.

Wow, that made absolutely no sense.

See, that's what these teams do to me: They sap my inspiration and stifle my creativity under the weight of their four-and-a-half hour games and piles of money.

They are my kryptonite, my anti-muse, the bane of my existence, my single biggest weakness.

Well, that and Jewish girls.

Mazel tAAARRRGH!

NEW YORK YANKEES: Based out of the Bronx in New York City, New York (in America), the Yankees are a baseball team that plays in the eastern division of the American League.

From 1928-2008, they played their baseball games in Yankee Stadium, a structure collaboratively designed by famed New York City architects George Herman Ruth and Art Vandelay.

They now play in New Yankee Stadium, which is a lot like the old one, only newer.

Their uniforms are unique for not having the player's last name on them.

So the next time you meet a Yankee fan wearing an authentic jersey that says "Jeter" on the back, that person is either an idiot or a liar.

Possibly both.

BOSTON RED SOX: Boston was a little late to the "let black people play baseball" party, being the last MLB team to integrate in 1959.

That was over a decade after Jackie Robinson debuted with the Dodgers, a fact I'm sure they left out of the Carl Crawford sales pitch last winter.

But located in the heart of the city, Fenway Park is just a short walk from Boston Beerworks, a lively sports bar and the perfect place to watch a ball game.

Opened in 1992, Beer Works has everything: A friendly staff, a festive atmosphere and a multitude of homemade micro brews on tap to quench your thirst as you root, root, root for the home team.

And with TVs at every turn, you'll be able to catch every Bruins goal and every Ray Allen three-pointer in glorious high definition.

And what better way to celebrate a friend's birthday or show your employees a good time than by booking your next event there?

Call 617-536-BEER to start planning today, or just visit them here.

Tell them Jacob sent you.

Go Pats!

TAMPA BAY RAYS: Maybe more than any other team in the division, the Rays play the game the right way.

Their first baseman is routinely 4-5 feet off the baseline, far enough away to help the second baseman with in-between grounders, but not so far that he can't snag a sharply hit ball down the line.

When men are on base, the shortstop always plays a little bit closer to second, making it much easier to turn a double play in the event of a ground ball.

They always know who is up to bat next, and often know who bats after that guy, too.

I swear, Joe Maddon is a genius.

The Rays are also great listeners. Whenever a ball is hit into the air (a "fly ball"), the player with the best chance to catch it always yells "I got it!" and the other guys take notice.

Actually, Evan Longoria usually screams "Mine!", but that's just because he likes to be different.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS: Canada is the country Americans always threaten to move to when the get sick of freedom.

And even though the Blue Jays are a Canadian team, they play in the American League.

Crazy, right?

BALTIMORE ORIOLES: It's been said that nothing rhymes with "oriole," but I think "tutorial" comes pretty close.

Can we get a ruling on this?


AND THE WINNER IS: Whoa, I blacked out for a second there. What the heck is that picture?

And where the heck are my pants?

Anyway, this year the division figures to be a two-team race between...wait for it...the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Oh well.

While their rotation is suspect after Jon Lester and Clay Bucholz, an absolutely stacked lineup means the division is Boston's to lose.

They'll hit the heck out of the ball, and even if closer Jonathan Papelbon falters, fireballer Daniel Bard will be there to pick up the pieces.

And even though Kevin Youkilis never smiles, there's just something about him I find...intriguing.

I never could quite put my finger on it.

...wait, what?

What do you mean he's "of the tribe"?

That he's one of "the Chosen People"?

That can't be true. It just can't be.

That would mean...no...

No...

NOOOOOOO...

Mazel tov, bitch.