The Name Game

I'm not much for this lovey-dovey stuff, but today is special. So here goes:

I miss you.

Whenever you're not around all I do is miss you. And then I wonder where you are, I wonder what you're doing, I wonder when you'll be back and I wonder if you're thinking about me.

I still repeat our little inside-jokes to myself in my head and laugh every time. It's a bit of a bummer, really, because all day long people ask me what I'm smiling about...and I can't explain it to them.

I just don't know where I'd be without you sometimes. Seeing you is always the best part of my day, and I'm sorry for not telling you all this sooner.

Today is just special, I guess.

And so, on the day when pitchers and catchers report to spring training, the day that officially marks the start of the 2011 MLB season, heck, I'm never going to have a better chance to tell you how I feel. So I just wanted to say:

You're the best, Carlos. Don't ever change.

Be Mine?

But as the spring training doors swing open for the first time and the team formerly known as the Darling Asteroids embarks on its championship quest, one unanswered question lingers sweetly in the air like lilac-scented kitten kisses.

A question which, if answered correctly, will set us on a path to glory.

However, if answered incorrectly, a future of pain, suffering and being picked last in gym class awaits.

The question, on the surface, is simple: What's in a name?

No big deal, right? It's just a combination of letters, after all. And the only logical reason for people or places or animals or muffins to have names is so we can distinguish them from other people, places, animals and muffins, correct?

Wrong.

If I said to you, "Hey [best friend], let's go watch a Marion Morrison flick. He's a real Man's man," you'd look at me as if I had two heads and only a vague concept of what constitutes masculinity.

And what if I was all, "Darn, [best friend], that new rap track by Calvin Broadus, Jr. is the shizzle, right my [bizzle frizzle]?"

Finally, if I told you I had a friend named Paul Hewson who was really dedicated to charitable causes and such, you'd likely think, "Pfft, that guy sounds like a pompous tool..."

Did somebody say "Africa"?

In conclusion, names are important. Picking a really great name just sets the right tone, ya know? A strong name gives off a confident vibe, something to let your opponents know you mean business.

A weak name intimidates no one and only ensures that some red-head at Tuesday Night Trivia gives you a fake phone number.

So it's with championship goals in mind, and the lingering memory of that lying strumpet Tiffany in our freshly-broken hearts, that we begin the search for our new team name.

This task is not to be taken lightly. I made a New Year's Resolution to lead this rag-tag group of ballplayers to the promised land, and a killer moniker is step numero one.

I also resolved to make more dick jokes, but that's not important right now.

When thinking of a sweet team name, there are two basic rules to follow. First, originality is key. According to this article of the top 20 most popular fantasy team names, a whopping five of them are just the names of actual baseball teams, with three more being MLB nicknames.

I won't be taking this route, and you shouldn't either. We're better than that. Besides, no one has nightmares about facing Jacob Upham's Internet Baseball Team.

Rule #2: Try to be clever. The ladies love it. A punny title based off a player's name or pop-culture reference could be right up your alley.

Let's say you're a big Padres fan (I know, I know...but just go with it), but you also enjoy kicking back with some Hemingway from time to time. That's an easy one: For Whom the Heath Bell Tolls.

No need to thank me, that was a freebie. Some other possibilities:

"The Good, the Bad and the Uggla"..."Two Girls, One Ump"..."Thor's Mighty Boner"..."Leave It To Bieber"..."Melky Cabrera and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Utility Outfielder"..."Dancefloor Paratroopers"..."The Bayside Tigers"..."Bam! Said the Lady"..."Legends of the Hidden Casey Stengel"..."Pat Burrell's Wild Ride"..."The Musial Suspects"...and lastly, "The Chad Billingsleys."

"My eyes are up here."

You get the idea. Or, if your team/city has an iconic ballpark or player associated with it, something like "The Green Monsters" or "The Big Red Machine" has a classic, although slightly cliché, touch to it.

The point is, there's no wrong answer. This is your team. Mold them in your image. Do whatever is in your heart. And heck, just have fun out there!

But...is it possible I'm going about this all wrong?

Maybe the Darling Asteroids deserve another chance. They only had one season, after all. Any GM knows that building a winner takes time and effort and love and more money than God teamwork.

To so callously drop this name after one season would be heartless. How could I live with myself? Who am I, Tiffany?

Or maybe I should kick it old school and go with "The Fellowship." Ah, my first fantasy team's name.

And just like the first time I visited Applebees, or the fading memory of my first love (who I met at Applebees), the feeling this name stirs up is one of tenderness, excitement and reasonably-priced family fun.

Like a lot of problems in life, I think I need to take a step back for awhile and return later with a fresh pair of eyes.

And if that doesn't work?

Well then I think Carlos' Mighty Bono is in for one hell of a season.