Sorry to keep you waiting. I was on the phone with my housekeeper. Something about our newborn baby and the microwave. I'm sure it's nothing.
I didn't actually expect you all to come to this meeting. I don't believe I have enough seats. Some of you will have to stand.
Maybe you should let Brad Penny and Chad Billingsley have the seats, Randy Wells? They're on the disabled list and all.
You called it? When did you call it? You just walked in the door.
Nevermind.
Anyway, gentlemen, the reason I called you here is very simple. We're half way through the fantasy season and as is our policy, we've asked you to fill out a performance review.
It's fairly standard. Nothing to get too worked up about.
We're just looking for some feedback on the season so far, what you've liked and disliked about management's decisions, and what changes you would like to see in the future.
QUESTION 1: On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate this season so far?
Not a hard question at all, gentlemen.
But Pablo Sandoval, you just wrote "No," Juan Pierre gave it four thumbs down, and David Aardsma...where's David?
Ah, yes. Hello, David. It appears you just drew a picture of a sad kitten wearing one of those hats with propellers.
I'm afraid none of your answers are helpful. How are we to assess the team's...hey, put that down, Alexei Ramirez. That's a picture of my wife.
Yes, she's very beautiful, thank you. No, she doesn't have a sister.
No...I've never seen the show "Wife Swap." Why do you ask?
Let's move on.
QUESTION 2: What has been your favorite moment of the season so far?
Vlad Guerrero, you wrote that it was when you became RF eligible because you felt this would allow you to help the team more.
That's a great answer, Vlad, and I want to take this time to commend you.
Your 15 homeruns and 57 RBIs lead the team. You've been a real bright spot and I just wanted to say we truly appreciate all you bring to the team.
Alexei, you wrote, "My performance this season has been awesome, just ask Ryan Sweeney's girlfriend."
Stop with the high fives, gentlemen. Let's try to keep this professional.
Lastly, many of you put "When we dropped Melky Cabrera." It's nice to see something that resembles team chemistry on the Darlings.
QUESTION 3: What has been your least favorite moment?
Mr. Longoria, you wrote, "When we traded Bobby Jenks. He was my best friend and gave the best hugs."
I'm glad you wrote that, Evan. Sometimes management has to make difficult decisions, and trading for...
Wait a moment, what's that noise?
Pudge! Pudge Rodriguez, can you please cut that out. This is important. I need you to stay focused.
"Sorry."This is why we fill these out, gentlemen. The Darlings are in 9th place. If the season ended today you wouldn't make the playoffs, and your best pitcher hasn't even had four starts.
By the way, thanks for volunteering to bake brownies for this meeting, Stephen. That was very thoughtful.
QUESTION 4: How can we improve team morale?
Now, many of you put...you don't have to raise your hand, David. This is an open forum.
Yes. Yes, I see.
Well, David, you're right. A fresh batch of balloons in the clubhouse every day would brighten things up, but I'm afraid it's not fiscally possible.
It is a better suggestion than many others, however.
Ted Lilly, your idea of trading Juan Pierre for Willie Mays is idiotic and, as it turns out, impossible.
And Mr. Kemp, you wrote, "We should steal Albert Pujols' toothbrush then use the DNA to create an army of clones but not bad clones like in I, Robot but more like nice clones like in Michael Keaton's Multiplicity."
Actually, we're looking into that. I'll keep you posted.
And Alexei, you just wrote, "No fat chicks."
Finally, we asked for any last comments and suggestions. Mr. Penny, you wrote:
"I'm going to murder Chad Billingsley. I'm not even kidding. I have a spot behind Busch Stadium picked out to hide the body and a getaway car for Mexico already waiting. I'm super serious. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha."
Now I've never gotten your sense of humor, Bradley, but this is a real problem.
It doesn't seem as if any of you are taking this seriously.
The rest of the league is laughing at you. Do any of you even care?
Just know that management is going to be making some changes in the coming weeks. Suffice it to say, none of your jobs are safe.
You are playing the Space Turtles this week, a team you tied 6-6 back in Week 1. Now I suggest you all resolve to finish the week strong. Your job security may depend on it.
Now, before we go, is there anything else?
Get out of my office.
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