Runs Come in Bunches, Just Not Here

Oh, to be young and in love with one’s fantasy team. To wake up every morning and know you have something special, to stare at your computer screen for hours and hours and wonder, “What did I ever do to deserve this? I’m the luckiest man in the world. I love you, Prince Fielder.” Truly a match made in heaven.

This is not one of those teams.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a stud or two on the Darling Asteroids. But this offense is mostly littered with uninspiring, underwhelming—what’s the word?—assclowns.

Leading the charge will be Rays’ third baseman Evan Longoria, a man who is capable of hitting 40 homeruns and driving in and scoring over 100 “runs” this season. These “runs” are funny things. I still don’t fully understand it all but it appears that if you score a lot of them, you win. Having players on your team that can produce a bunch of “runs” is kind of a big deal. It stands to reason that Mr. Longoria is a big deal. He’s only 24 and has already played in a World Series. I’m almost 24 and have never been to Disneyland. The universe is not kind.

The other two big deals on the Asteroids is Marlins’ shortstop Hanley Ramirez and Dodgers’ outfielder Matt Kemp, two of the most complete players in the game. They can both do it all—taters, steals, and “runs” by the boatload. If Hanley would stop getting minor groin strains every three weeks I’d be way more excited about him. Matt Kemp, on the other hand, is perfect in every way. Don’t look into his eyes too long. You’ll get lost.

But the rest of the team? Yikes.

Pablo Sandoval is a pretty sweet little hitter with the best nickname in baseball (Kung-Fu Panda) and I look forward to tracking his chubby progress throughout the year. But Mike Napoli? Placido Polanco? And who is heck is Julio Borbón?

And of course, we have Melky Cabrera. Whatever.

Which brings us to the tragic case of Vladimir Guerrero, the 2004 AL MVP whose age and wobbly knees have turned him into a shell of his former self. Vlad has never met a pitch he didn’t hack at, but his ability to hit literally everything has diminished over the years. Watching this poor guy limp down the first base line with his staccato steps is going to be hard. Unfortunately, we have no other choice. Alexei Ramirez is going to sit on the bench where he belongs, and that rounds out the offense. Vlad and I are about to start a bad romance.

I’d say I like this offense, but the second to last thing I’d ever do is lie to you. The last thing I’d ever do is draft Dustin Pedroia. You’re not gonna believe this, but the pitching staff inspires even less confidence. Strap on a helmet. This is going to get ugly.